....It's The Lil' Things That Make Life Sweet....

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Once again I manage to screw up life again. How, I do not know but I sure do know I've once again succeeded in feeling as low as low can go. The question is always why? But this time I know why. The answer to why is right in front of my face. Smacked right in front of it infact. And I don't know what to do. Even if I do, I don't want to do anything. I'm too tired. I'm so sick of fixing things and mending it again. Everytime I mend something broken, a bigger hole seems to appear challenging me so see if I fall. I simply cannot do this anymore. I just want to live. Just live. Without any problems. Just me and my simple life. I don't need anything fancy. I might even settle for a boring life. I don't care anymore. I just want my mind to rest for once.

Today I feel like a stranger. To myself. I don't know myself today. I don't know what I was thinking, how I was feeling or who I was. I just didn't know. I seemed normal. I could mingle and I could laugh and joke around. I could do everything I use to do. But I was not me. Like I was a body without a spirit. I was spiritless today. I'm so messed up. I hate being like this. Being so confused when the answer is already given. Why must I complicate my life?

I wish I could go back to school. I wish I never started college. I wish I was still as carefree and innocent. I wish I had no exposure to any of this. I don't care if I didn't grow up. I don't care if I experienced anything less. But then saying I don't care would mean I'm lying.

I want to be happy again. I want myself back. I don't like feeling miserable. Why must life give me something and take back so much? Why make me soar so high only to let me fall to the ground? Must I learn from all these? Is this the only way to grow? Must everything be a lesson? Then can I choose not to learn? I rather be shielded from all these. Sigh. I don't even like how I sound. So whiny about life when others have been through much more than me. My matters are so trivial compared to theirs. But I don't want to think. I don't want to be rational. I'm sick of evaluating every single matter that surfaces in my life. I just want to let it all out. But I can't. I don't have the guts.

I'm so selfish. I expect so much from others only to disappoint myself when I can't get what I want. What about what they want? Have I ever thought about that? Yes I have but I'm never willing to act. I act so noble and so kind but yet I'm so evil. I'm a hypocrite. What right have I to demand when I can't even give? The world does not only revolves around me. Yet I'm sadden when things don't go my way. When my little perfect plan goes awfully wrong. I use to think that if all things go as the way I planned it, everything will be pure bliss. Everyone would be happy. Why, I'm a stinkin' megalomaniac! I pile on hopes and dreams and make myself happy and when they fall I'm crushed. Why do I even believe in hopes and dreams? Why do I even think that such things can last? Why do I do this to myself?

Tomorrow will be another day. Yes it will be another day. It might turn out well or it might be as sucky as a sucky day can be. It's an on-going circle. A never-ending one. A fact that I can never change.

Things can never stay the same.

Who's controlling my life?!!?

melia signed out with love @ 5:30 PM (1) earthling(s) farted

Comments:

A wise man once said, ' the greatest things we do in life will be those which cost us the most'. Life always seems hard and hopeless..but if you have friends and you keep them and their memories close to you, then you can overcome anything.
Don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy the simple things of life..you'll feel better surely.
take care. Andrew.P

# posted by

Anonymous : 11:55 PM

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..What About Amelia?..

Because this blog needs an introduction
Here goes!

I'm 40% mature, 30% child-like
10% fashionista, 8% dork
6% klutzy, 3% dreamer
2% blur, 1% hero x)

I also want to marry John Mayer
And oh, I want a pet unicorn too x)

More self-absorbed information here!!

..Mood-o-meter..