As you can see I have been MIA for almost a year now. I don't think anyone visits this space anymore which is good because I can then say whatever I like. :D
The past year has been a tough year for me. I can't even confidently say that I've recovered from it fully but I know that I am heading there. I never thought my life could change so drastically. I've lost so much but through it I've learnt so much about human nature and myself. To be honest, I spent much of last year going through depression. I just didn't know how to cope with the changes and all these emotions that were so new to me. I had to deal with betrayal, abandonment, lies and deceit. Nothing my 24 years of living has prepared me for. It hit me hard. So hard that I didn't know how to live anymore.
The healing process is a long one. I read that there are 4 stages to it. The first one is Denial. I spent a lot of time in denial. I kept reasoning and analyzing the situation, justifying things and making excuses for people who did not deserve it. And then came Anger. Boy, was I angry. I don't think I have ever been that angry in my entire life. I was like a ragey teenager. I hated everything that happened to me. I hated the people in my life and I hated the world. Then came Self-pity. I felt so sorry for myself. I couldn't move. I spent most of my days keeping away from people and wallowing in self-pity. I felt like I didn't deserve to be with people. I blamed myself and thought that there was something wrong with me and that I didn't deserve to live. Many crazy thoughts ran through my mind. I was consumed by negativity and had no one I could trust. I felt so alone. And then came Acceptance. I finally accepted what was happening to me and I decided to let go and to embrace the change and make a new person out of myself. I learnt to see things in a new light. I learnt not to be so stubborn about what I want and learnt to make do with what I have. I changed the way I behaved and perceived people. I learnt to distance myself from people whom made drama their life. I learnt to protect myself yet not in a way that I'd be aloof to the people I meet. I realised that I had a choice. That I chould choose who I wanted to be. That I can be selfish. I learn to surround myself with people who made me feel good, who never expected too much out of me and are genuinely grateful for the things I do. I learnt not to get too attached to people. Although this was a fact that I had a hard time accepting as I love the idea of a strong bond and to be able to give freely, I had to accept that this was the way it had to be.
I am still recovering. I quit my job and took time off to travel the world. I did 46 days in Europe and that made all the difference. I loved that I could be myself again. And for the first time in almost a year, I was genuinely happy and unafraid. I loved the people and I was blown away by the kindness I was shown. It reinstated what I had once doubted. People always said that my downfall was that I was too trusting and that I never had any of my guard up, but after spending almost 2 months in a foreign world, I was happy that I could trust people the way I want to. I never liked the jaded point of view in life. Human beings are constantly too suspicious of their own kind and I think that is extremely sad. The people I met were a blessing. They gave freely and they were always grateful for the small things I gave them back. The feeling was undescribable. I felt joy and hope. Like it was Christmas. :D
So now I'm back with a different mindset. My views and perceptions have vastly changed. I feel like a new and improved person. I got back my enthusiasm for living. Of course there are many little things still gnawing at me at the back of my mind but I believe those will slowly dissipate with time.
I want to write about my travels but I don't know how long this blogging streak will last. :P Let's hope I find the enthusiasm to do it. ;)
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