I am no longer who I was. It is time for me to accept this fact. A whole year of turbulence, drama, events, people, experience and soul searching, there is just no way I could expect to come out the same. I am, of course, grateful to once again be standing on my own two feet though sometimes I do mourn for the person who I've lost amidst the chaotic frenzy that has been my mind, my life.

I'm still getting used to this. Sometimes I feel like this life isn't mine and I'm just observing from the outside. I'm definitely rough around the edges now. Wow, I'm edgy. No more squeaky clean chirpy perky happy-go-lucky.

There is however a change that I like. I'm no longer afraid to express myself because the people whom I once sought validation from, are gone. Simply put, I don't have a give a fuck anymore. So if I feel like breaking into a song, I will. If I want to dance (and I'm a horrible dancer), I will. And if I want to have 3 slices of cake at one sitting, I sure as hell will. I don't know how well this will go in the long run, but I've been pretty happy.

I think what sprouted this behaviour is that I've realised that no matter how perfect you strive to be, you will always be judged. Someone out there is going to frown their fugly faces at you. I used to be that person who wanted to please everyone that came my way, but it proved too taxing for me and so impossible. It also bit a huge chunk off my ass. And yes, it hurt, tremendously.

I spent almost all my life giving and caring for others. Putting their feelings and needs above mine. After awhile, it was expected of me. I say this because the moment I did something for myself, a whole lot of drama will happen. No bueno.

However, the Pisces in me can't stop caring though. It makes me happy to be there for people and to cheer them up. I just can't see a sad person and not want to help. Every fibre of my being would want to reach out to give a little solace to that distressed soul, simply because, I've been there before. So I guess this is a part of me that I get to keep. The difference is that there are no labels this time. No one is more special than the other. Everyone is expected to come as freely as they go.

Another change that is mighty depressing is the constant effort to harden my heart. This is proving to be very painful as I'm a sappy romantic that wears her heart on her sleeve. The idealistic dreamer in me wants to believe that love is a beautiful thing but the reality is, love is as dangerous as it is beautiful. It is so easy to be swept away, especially a person like myself, who gets ahead of herself with fairy-tale like fantasies. Love is never fair too. I thought I met the love of my life, my kindred spirit. I basked in the rarity of meeting someone I could connect with, whom I loved and could love me back. It was perfect, was it not? Alas, reality dictates that it is not and it tore my world apart. And as I licked my wounds, others came along, offering a glimmer of hope, that maybe, maybe there is someone out there for me. One was almost perfect, said he loved me but was too dramatic and fickle for his own good, left me hanging and backed out. Another one, I can't help falling for, is unattainable. And there is another who thinks I'm perfect but doesn't make my heart skip a beat. Love is one twisted dangerous web I'll never see myself winning. Thank God, I have an ego big enough to ensure I'll never lose that badly? Or maybe that's me trying to make myself feel better.

As dandy as things have been so far, I need to establish a bit of control (which I might have accidentally thrown out the window). While all this has been fun, I can see that it can be detrimental sooner or later, for this isn't true happiness. This isn't enough for me. This momentary happiness will eventually make me realise what I'm lacking in life.

I can't just ride the wave of change. At some point, I have to make it mean something.